SWEET VALLEY CONFIDENTIAL

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Yes! Finally! The tens of us who have been waiting with breath that is bated can finally discover what happened to those Sweet Valley twins after they grew up and apparently got much stronger jaw lines:

Some of you may still be wading through the epic density of Francine Pascal’s latest novel, so I don’t want to spoil any of the shocking plot twists and turns for you….But I probably will, so maybe don’t read this until you’ve finished the book.

Emma (of Emmy The Great) and I were reading the novel at the same time since tomorrow we’re doing this and thought it would make excellent research. Yes, research. It wasn’t just that we wanted to re-visit our youth and live vicariously once more through those Californian blonde beauties. Anyway here are some of the things we noticed.

(For those of you who aren’t well versed in the novels here is a condensed history. Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are twin sisters living in a beautiful Californian suburb populated only by white people who are, for the most part, middle class. If they’re not middle class they’re “easy”, or they find out they were “secretly rich all along”, or they “die”. While both twins have the same perfect tanned skin, blonde hair and flawless figures, one is a devious minx [Jessica], while the other is hard-working and loyal [Elizabeth]. It’s almost like they’re the two sides of the same person…Deep right?! The books are saccharine and superficial and that’s why we love them. The twins nearly get killed several times, fall into comas and wake up with a completely different personality, and accidentally murder a few people after spiking each other’s drinks. In short, this is searing stuff, literature’s greatest achievement and EEK THEY’RE SOOOOO HOT).

Francine Pascal seems to have serious issues with “fat people”

Do you remember Robin Wilson? The “chubby” girl who starved herself to become a cheerleader and get a hot jock boyfriend, but then took it too far and became anorexic? Well you’ll be pleased to know that while she’s no longer anorexic she’s only gained back a little bit of that weight she lost. She’s now working in catering which Pascal describes as a “brave choice” for someone who previously struggled with their weight. Someone give that girl a Nobel prize.

What about Caroline Pearce? The mean gossip who contracted cancer and lost all her hair after chemotherapy? Well sadly, unlike most of the Sweet Valley-ites who go through a huge trauma and magically become a better person because of it, Caroline is still a nosy Nora. She also has the audacity to not have a waist, which everyone knows is the first sign that someone’s unkind. Round up all the waist-less girls and trot them over to ‘Loose Women’ please. Caroline is also described as “the Perez Hilton” of Sweet Valley. High five for relevance Francine.

Francine has probably just learned the phrase “surrounded by a coterie of hangers-on”

She uses it at least three times to describe Winston Egbert. Who, by the way, has totally changed.

The twins seemed to have entered stasis as some point

If any of you can get hold of the book where Elizabeth and Jessica put themselves up as human guinea pigs for some sort of stasis experiment that would be great. I don’t know if they were actually on the spaceship Nostromo with Ripley but they’ve definitely lost quite a few years somewhere. The books began in 1983 when the twins were 16. This would make them 44 now, yet somehow they’re still just 27 in 2011 when ‘Sweet Valley Confidential’ takes place. I’d really love to read the book where they lost those 17 years, I feel like it’s an important plot point in their story.

Elizabeth swears constantly, while Jessica, like, says like a lot

Elizabeth has a potty mouth. She cannot say three sentences without cussing, and I don’t just mean an “oh fudge knockers” or a “sugaring cat nip”, I mean proper full on four letter swearing. I know. She also cries after orgasming, and listens to Beyonce (Emma noticed this so, you know, props to her). Also it seems all that hard work at the Oracle (AKA hanging out with sleazy Roger Collins, who ends up dating an ex-pupil – no surprise there) hasn’t really paid off, and maybe she should have had more fun in High School rather than being a whiny bore, perhaps then she wouldn’t have all this pent up aggression that erupts constantly out of her red pouty perfect Californian mouth. Jessica meanwhile, like, always talks, like, um this, and is actually really swell at her job which is, like, selling beauty projects, it’s probably because she’s, like, beautiful and not fat like Caroline. Jessica also has a twitter and both have a facebook #highfivefrancineagain.

Todd Wilkinson is still “duller than milk”

He says nothing of interest and still gets jealous all the time, and doesn’t even play basketball any more. Yawnfest! He’s like that jock Billy in ‘Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion’ whose one good quality was that he played sport. The only thing Todd is good for now is standing on the side of the road with his trousers down as we fly away in our helicopter. (If you don’t get that reference, shame on you).

Bruce Patman “never wears socks”

Gross right?

Needless to say it’s still amazing and totally worth reading

But let me lend you my copy OK? Sisters together!! (Boys are welcome to read the book too).  

Comments
4 Responses to “SWEET VALLEY CONFIDENTIAL”
  1. “She also has the audacity to not have a waist, which everyone knows is the first sign that someone’s unkind.” LOL

    Thanks for keeping us in the loop, I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THIS & NOW MUST READ IT!

  2. Anna says:

    Does she still use the word “unison” ALLLLL the time when the twins are together? that was my favourite word of the 90s thanks to francine

  3. ann!e says:

    It is now my goal in life to use the phrase “surrounded by a coterie of hangers-on” at least once a day.

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