LET’S ALL WATCH DAWSON’S CREEK: EPISODE 3 ‘THE KISS’

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(First published on hellogiggles.com)

Hi, I’m back.  I had to take a week off to recover from the image of Dawson Leery snogging a papier mache head but now the waves of nausea seem to have stopped, so let’s get down to business.  For those of you who don’t know, I’m currently selflessly re-watching the first season of Dawson’s Creek and live-blogging it here.  All together now, “I DON’T WANNA WAIT…”

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This episode is entitled “The Kiss” and opens, suitably, with Dawson No-Genitals and Joey watching the famous kissing scene from From Here To Eternity.  Dawson rolls on to his back like a puppy and starts waxing lyrical about how this kiss is exactly how he imagines his first kiss with Jen.  Joey chastises him for living in a fantasy world and Dawson replies, “It’s not about the kiss Joey, it’s about the journey.  It’s about creating and sustaining magic.”  Yes, because  15-year-old boys watch old romance movies (DAWSON LIKES FILMS, OKAY?) and muse to themselves dreamily about how magical their first kiss is going to be.  This week, Dawson’s body seems to be inhabited by a teenage girl from 1948.  I would not be surprised if he leapt off his bed and started waltzing with a frilly nightgown while humming the theme from Sleeping Beauty.

Capeside High.  The music in this bit is AWESOME.  A poor man’s Chrissie Hynde singing “E always equals MC squared”.  Yeah!  Educational rock!  Dawson is sitting at the back of film class wearing a holier-than-though look as he listens to his classmates discuss one of Kevin Williamson’s films (probably).  In other news, look at this guy’s necklace!

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Do you think that’s from his own collection or did the costume department give him that?  If so, why?  Does it add new depth to his acting?  Was there just a pile of faux-Native American jewellery on the table and he pinched this one?  Is he trying to draw focus?  Is it because he feels inferior to Dawson No-Genitals and his leather thong pendant?  Most importantly, where can I get one of these?

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Dawson listens to everyone’s opinions but keeps trying to give them withering, condescending looks.  He also starts pointing his pen at people as if to say, “Yeah, good one.”  

Unfortunately, along with his genitals, Dawson is missing the sarcastic gene so he just seems creepy, overly-enthusiastic and like he has a squint.  In other news: nice Sketchers, dork breath!

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Hey, look who’s still here!  Doesn’t she look great?  I love it when girls base their make-up and clothes on candyfloss and fluffy bunnies!   Dawson finally delivers a winning speech about the importance of jeopardy in plot development.  I have nothing to make fun of here, it was genuinely a great piece of oration.

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In Ms Tamara Jacob’s classroom (I like how she has her name written on the board in case she forgets it), Pacey does his bouncy walk over to her desk, “So you need to see me after class?” he grins devilishly.  In fact, Ms Tamara Jacobs has coaxed this young man into her lair under the pretence of discussing his failing grades.  Pacey shrugs off her faux concern, “Do you know how difficult it is to fail?  This has taken considerable work and energy.” 

All together now: That’s sooooooo Pacey!

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Pacey explains that he thinks a private tutor would help, “It’s a focus issue, I need a slave driver… somebody with a whip maybe?”

Okay.  Hold up.  The scenes between these two are not dissimilar to watching a really boring porn film.  (I imagine.)  Ms Tamara Jacobs has no imagination when it comes to setting up a premise in which she can spend alone time with Pacey, while he talks like an English World War Two Seargent:  ”Plop yourself down on my knee, matron, and let me help you out of that girdle.”  Ms Tamara Jacobs pretends to be angry: “Pacey, you can’t keep talking like this!  There is no way I will tutor your privates!”   Oops, I mean, “tutor you privately”.  Then she immediately agrees to tutor him privately.  Tally ho, old chap!  (Oops, cursor on bum again.)

Look at this inane stock footage of a boat:

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Boat!

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After school, Dawson cycles to the Icehouse where Joey works.  We see Joey talking to her pregnant sister and Brand New Bodie.  They’re discussing how big her sister is, which is pointless conversation clearly just crowbarred in so they can introduce Brand New Bodie.  They want us to move on and forget about the mystery of Old Missing Bodie, but we never will.  We will never forget, ever! *echoes* Ever, ever, ever…

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Meanwhile, Dawson is sitting with Pacey, flushed and ebullient like a girl in pigtails who’s just been made head cheerleader.  ”This is my big break!” He gushes.  He will officially be a member of the film class as long as he works really hard that weekend helping Nellie, AKA candyfloss and fluffy bunnies, on her film Helmets of Glory – snort.  ”Of course, this completely ruins my romantic plans with Jen,” he sighs, idly twirling a lock of glossy blonde hair.  He explains that he was going to take her to Capeside’s ruins (er, whaaaat?) under the guise of filming her for the last scene in his super awesome sea monster film set on a lake, in which his stunning protagonist blah blah blah… sorry, I dozed off.  Pacey, in keeping with the hamfisted schlocky romance novel he seems to be living in, orders some oysters for his private tutor session.

Can you get oysters to go?  How do you keep them cool?  Wouldn’t they leak all over your bag?  I need answers.

Joey is temporarily distracted from taking their orders by the sight of Andrew McCarthy wandering into the Icehouse:

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While Pacey ribs Joey for clearly fancying the star of such hit films as Mannequin and Weekend At Bernie’s, Dawson looks on, stoney-faced, his mouth set in a grim line, jealousy haunting his eyes.  

THIS IS IT, GUYS.  THIS IS THE MOMENT WHERE EVERYTHING CHANGED, WHERE DAWSON REALISED HE WANTED JOEY AND WOULD BE A REAL DOUCHE ABOUT IT FOR THE REST OF TIME AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF ANDREW MCCARTHY.

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Whoa.  Back at school, Pacey is sitting in Ms Tamara Jacob’s classroom while she watches him read.  Saucy.  Do you think the gold statuette of a boy on her desk is symbolic?  I DO.

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Pacey asks her if she thinks they would have dated if they’d been the same age in high school.  Her response – and I swear this is verbatim – is, “Probably not.  But that was a long time ago and I’ve learned a lot.”  Learned what?  How to pick up 15-year-old boys and then shrink them into little gold statuettes that you hoard on your desk like a love Gollum?!

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At the Icehouse, Joey is slaving away in the sunset when she hears the beautiful sawing of a violinist on a nearby boat.  Please notice the artfully arranged fishing cages to her right.  And the cursor on her bum.

I like the way Joey reacts to things sometimes.  She’s like a startled faun who has never been outside of the forest, tilting her head to one side as thought she can’t understand what it is she is hearing.  Sorry, did I say like? I meant hate.

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Oh, well looky who we have here.  If it isn’t the devil of the piece, Sir Andrew of McCarthy.  Yeah, you just carry on playing your fiddle, acting like it ain’t no thang, pretending you haven’t noticed you’ve just ruined ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Turns out Andrew McCarthy is pretty sassy.  As he stops playing, he says, “Don’t applaud, just send money.”  Send money?  Surely you mean give money?  She’s standing right next to you, butthead.  Obviously sass and Joey Potter don’t mix, as she becomes very offish with him.  This is a trait of hers which will come back time and time again, repeatedly referred to as “charming”.

It is not charming.

When Andrew McCarthy asks if Joey, like him, is staying on a boat with her antique-hunting parents, she panics and says, “No, we brought the chauffeur.”  I really hope that this lie leads to some Mrs. Doubtfire-style hijinks as Joey tries to portray a rich girl whilst still keeping her job as a lowly kitchen serf.  She also tells him her name is Deborah.

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On the film set, Dawson can’t help but murmur to himself about everything he thinks is wrong with the production.  Nellie, AKA candyfloss and fluffy bunnies, overhears him and ridicules him in front of everyone, threatening to tell the teacher about Dawson’s attitude problem.  The only problem with Dawson’s attitude is that he hasn’t got one.  Or any genitals.

Watching this pitiful scene is Jen Lindley, who has a part in the film as a cheerleader.  She is wearing the same uniform she will wear in a later season of the show when she becomes head cheerleader ironically and snogs Michael Pitt.  We’re literally looking into the future, guys!

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Back in Ms Tamara Jacob’s classroom, Pacey has studied successfully and is now looking for his “reward”.  After his advances are rebuffed, he strokes Ms Tamara Jacob’s arm and she gets really upset, turning off the lights and calling his bluff, “Okay, Pacey, let’s do it.  Our first time should be on my desk, strip.”  I know she’s supposed to be angry and is using sarcasm to teach him a lesson but I get the feeling that she totally means it and wants to have her way with him and then add him to her collection of sex trinkets.

Meanwhile, Pacey’s face does this:

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As she starts unbuttoning her blouse things take a turn for the creepy, “Have you got condoms, Pacey?  We are going to need condoms.”  Eww.  Then she finds out it’s his first time and sends him home?!  This storyline is so weird.

Who wants to see some more inane stock footage of a boat?!

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You. Are. Welcome.

Joey meets up with the devil, AKA Andrew McCarthy, and they go sailing together, passing the dull hours by discussing the pros and cons of boarding school.  They also are forced physically closer by the actions of sailing – it’s a great first date trick.  Then there is a really kick ass montage of Joey tying a knot in some rope, Andrew McCarthy turning the boat’s tiller and Joey laughing at the sail which must be doing something hilarious.

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Hahaha, sails.

They stop and play frisbee on the beach and Joey tells Andrew McCarthy that her dad is the head of the largest tampon manufacturer in the nation.  This makes Andrew McCarthy drop his frisbee.  That’s not a euphemism.  He then tells Joey that he assumed she had a boyfriend from how “hands off” she is.  Joey looks down and if you concentrate really hard, it’s almost as if you can Dawson No Genitals’ face swim into the sea beside her, mirroring her thoughts…

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After some jostling and joking around, Andrew McCarthy somehow lands on top of Joey and they almost kiss. However, she pulls back a the last minute – “Oh, is that the time?” – and gets the hell out of there.

Meanwhile, Dawson has brought Jen to the Icehouse, probably so they can be waited on by the girl who secretly loves him, Joey.  Nice one, Dawson!  You’re now a certified goober head!  Jen is full of praise for how Dawson handled Nellie, AKA candyfloss and fluffy bunnies.  But she says it as though she’s talking to a 4-year-old who has just learned how to tie his shoelaces.  Dawson is enthused nonetheless.  When Joey takes their order, however, she seems really upbeat for once and is especially nice to Jen.  This totally freaks Jen out.  Observation: Jen has a low freak-out threshold.  Then, horror of horrors, Andrew McCarthy turns up.

Did you guys see this one coming?!?

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Joey pretends she’s not a waitress (I’ve got my hijinks hat on!) and sits down with Jen and Dawson.  Andrew McCarthy calls her Deborah and Dawson scoffs, “She’s not Deborah!”  Literally, someone punch him.  Jen saves the day, “Oh it’s just we call her Deb.”  Joey’s sister starts hollering at her, “Earth to Joey!  There is food waiting.”  Joey tries to ignore her but sis keeps shouting until Brand New Bodie steps in and serves the food, keeping up the pretence that Joey is Deborah.  I see what they’re trying to do.  They’re trying to show us that he’s a good guy, that he’s someone he can trust.  WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OTHER BODIE, BRAND NEW BODIE?  HOW MANY BODIES ARE THERE?

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After spying on her while she flirts with the film teacher, Pacey surprises Ms Tamara Jacobs…

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IN A WHEELCHAIR.  This is completely unexplained.

They have a lovers’ tiff which ends with her asking, “What do you want from me?” to which Pacey replies passionately, “You, I want you.”  While still sat in a wheelchair.

In Capeside’s ruins (er, whaaaaat?!), Dawson is whipping Jen into a height of lustful passion by hanging a curtain.

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He and Jen get to work filming the last scene of his film, which seems to take place on the set of a Celine Dion video.

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NICE TROUSERS, JENNIFER.

After an awesome scene in which Jen artfully displays longing and loneliness solely through her lips, they nearly kiss.  Until Jen realises Dawson No Genitals is filming it like the big weirdo that he is, saying, “I just wanted to capture this magical moment forever.” Oh God, the nausea is back.  Give me something to bite down on.

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On the other side of town, however, Joey totally makes out with Andrew McCarthy!  He woos her with the violin!  Again!  But he’s leaving town, so whatever.  Plus she ruins it by saying, “You need to stay here, in the moonlight.  Where you belong.”  I think because Joey is so innocent and faun-like, she doesn’t understand where this stranger has come from so assumes he’s been sent by the moon or something.  Goodbye, my sweet nymph of the sky!

Meanwhile Dawson begs for Jen’s forgiveness, “Dawson, you’re overzealous.”  Dawson nods, “It’s my tragic downfall.”  They hear someone coming so rush behind a wooden shed thing and I guess in the excitement their passion is ignited once more, because they totally kiss.

But who is it that has arrived ruining their Celine Dion set?  Is the camera still recording?  If so, what will it show the viewer?

OH, JUST THIS:

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ROLL CREDITS.

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