Teen Dreams

When I was fifteen my life was pretty shit.  It consisted of caramel frappuccinos, hanging out in HMV and playing Doom for an entire Summer.  That said I still look back on those days as the best, but mainly because of the life I lived vicariously through the celluloid screen, or rather through my VHS player during sleepovers (which for the record are not sexy.  One girl always cried and had to get picked up by her mum because she was homesick, and the majority of conversations were about how bloated and spotty you felt after eating so much crap).  Every decade has its teen hit that spurs millions of fans into dressing like the main characters, so with that in mind I’ve compiled a list of the most notable pubescent movies.


BRING IT ON

The best thing about this film is Kirsten Dunst.  It was one of the first  films featuring her dancing on her bed in a vest and pants (she now has that written into her contract).  The second best thing about this film is that it tried to deal with issues of racism through the medium of cheerleading.  I’m pretty sure that’s what Martin Luther King was dreaming about all those years ago.


GREASE
The first time I saw this I wrote in my Little Mermaid Diary, “teenagers look OLD, also car flying at end was NOT believable”.  I was right on both counts.  I then tried to style myself as Rizzo which basically involved wearing a bandana round my neck and telling everyone I was now a big bitch.  The sexy legends behind the film, such as the constant off-screen orgies, are almost as good as the scene where John Travolta disses Newton-John by dancing with that Spanish chick who is approximately 46 years old.   Gee, I wish we still lived in the seventies version of the fifties.


BREAKFAST CLUB

This film manages to squeeze every element of a teen film into 90 sweet ass minutes.  Five stereotypes: the jock, the prom queen, the bad boy, the freak and the geek sit in a room for 12 hours and go through every conceiveable emotion – the unbridled joy of dancing around a library, the pain of parental/academic pressure, and the hilarity of not even needing to be in detention: the freak’s there just for jokes! Can you imagine?! The best character is the crazy fucked up bad boy with cigarette burns on his arms who takes the piss out of Molly Ringworm for eating sushi.  At the end they get together, make out in front of her mum’s car, and then he puts her diamond stud in his ear.  Hot.


HEATHERS
Christian Slater is the dreamiest trench-coat psychopath in the whole world.  He shoots a jock in the cafeteria, has sex with Winona Ryder on her parent’s croquet lawn and helps murder her evil bitch friends.  He even supplies props for the scenes of the crimes, such as bottled mineral water for the jocks after their “homosexual suicide”.  Apparently evian water is really gay.  Winona is pretty smoking in her white tights and boob tubes, and has the best line in the whole film after she is sick in a douchey fraternity house: “Lick it up baby.  Lick. It. Up”.

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