How To Follow Vanessa Feltz

Some of you may already be aware of my recent Feltz-Watch project, and a few of you (one person)  have even contacted me saying, “Hey, this looks fun! How can I get a slice of the action?” Since I try my best to share my hobbies and endeavours, I’ve compiled this helpful advice piece. For the record this is not stalking, it’s following, and it’s aimed at those who wish to make a positive lifestyle choice. To be clear, this is for people who want to enter someone’s life thoughtfully, and with love. I know there’s a fine line between scary and caring, but we’re definitely on the latter’s side.

Step 1: Commit Fully

When you begin this one-sided love affair, you should be aware that it will drain your resources completely. While you may manage to balance relationships, career and friends alongside desperately clawing your way into a stranger’s life, when duty calls, you have to go. Like a reversed Clark Kent putting on the trench coat instead of taking it off. Hence why so often it is the most wealthy who are taking up following as hobby – Donald Trump and Jennifer Anniston for example. Although it’s not clear with those two who is leading whom. (They often seem confused). Be prepared to spend your life savings on last minute trips across the globe, and endless manicures and hairdos as you sit on the other side of the salon from your chosen special person, desperately trying to hear what they’re planning for the royal wedding day (Feltz is having a BBQ on a beach and then going jetskiing topless, FTR).

Step 2: Don’t Be Creepy
I know some of you think that being a creepy Carol is the only way, but you’re wrong. You need to have a goal, an aim, something positive to give back to your chosen followee. It’s no use just stealing all their pants and rummaging through their rubbish bin. For one, eww, for two, you’re only going to have to traipse around after them as they go underwear shopping which is the most BORING THING EVER. Instead why not look at an area of their life where they seem to be struggling, and do your best to help them improve it. The “self-help-stalker” is currently all the rage in California after Dr. Camilla Vyn-Gous advocated it in her recent publication, ‘Help Me Help You, Stalk Me Stalk You’. Dr Vyn-Gous: ‘Long gone are the days of jaded scary stalkers: 2010 ushered in a new breed of caring and supportive “followers”. These are people with their own lives and loves, great fashion sense and organic produce, who have embraced this new way of giving something back to the people who have brought them joy. It’s a positive step in a positive life – I’m looking out for one myself at the moment. I actually thought a gentleman was following me the other day but it turned out I just had toilet paper attached to my shoe’.

So if you think your subject needs their books balanced and you’re an accountant – go for it! If you notice that they’ve run out of Fuji water – get down Waitrose! If you think topless jetskiing is a mistake – send them an anonymous note saying that! Maybe cover it in lovehearts and sparkly star stickers to make it more friendly! Ignore people like Jeremy Warmsley if they say it’s weird because you know them best! If you really really want to be a lame-o and write them a song that’s fine, but don’t send it to them, send it to me instead and I’ll make sure they hear it. No, seriously; I promise. Also try and keep within office hours, these are busy people who need to sleep.

Step 3: Only Follow One Person At Once
You tart.

Step 4: Take It Slow
My first encounter with Vanessa was simple. I was at a cinema and she was there too. There was no fanfare, no song and dance, but something clicked. We were on the same level (not literally, she was behind me in Odeon Première seats obviously, which I think are a rip-off but what can you do? Send a series of anonymous notes? Done). After the incredible twitter response my live blogging of it received (err at least three re-tweets thank you very much) I saw things clearly – this was something I should embrace and make real. Oddly she then kept turning up in places after I had arrived, which obviously made my life a lot easier. For instance, I was at a few music festivals in Europe over the spring and by some mad coincidence, she was at every one! Anyway since then I’ve made it my mission to not only keep track of her life, but also to make myself known to her as a “normal everyday person”. I do this through waving and smiling a lot, and she seems happy about this, always waving back and shouting hello. I think this softens the blow of the following, but also opens the door to a potential friendship at some point in the future. Although even when you’ve been friends for years and been jetskiing topless together countless times, you should never bring up your past. Even with Vanessa and the incredible bond we have, I would never jeopardise our friendship by telling the truth.

Step 5: Keep Your Eyes Open

Since writing the above I’ve been thinking, and I’ve realised it is kind of weird that Vanessa was at those festivals in Europe. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think she’s actually the kind of person who’d go to an industry-only music festival in Zurich for three days, no matter how badly she wanted to “make up her own mind about The Vaccines”. And I think it’s quite a huge coincidence that she also happened to be at my cousin’s wedding, considering there were only eight people there. Also I don’t think I’ve ever actually walked behind her anywhere – more often than not I’ve realised she’s behind me and been so overcome by how lucky the situation is that I’ve just gone with it and walked with her wherever she’s wanted to go. Which may go some way to explaining why I continually find myself walking in circles. I thought I just had two left feet. And yes, I guess it is quite unusual to see Vanessa picking through bins, wait till she’s gone, and then dig in myself. What’s even more unusual is to realise that those were my bins. And now, if I look outside the window, I can confirm that she’s standing outside in a lime green trenchcoat inserting rechargeable batteries into a walkie talkie.

Turns out Trump and Anniston aren’t the only ones to get confused. I don’t know how to feel about anything any more.

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