Things I Want To Happen But Definitely Won’t

Life is nothing but a series of endless disappointments.  Most of your dreams will never come true, and those that do will give you nothing but the awful realisation that what you longed for never really existed in the first place.  Sometimes, when I’m feeling slightly more optimistic, I hold onto my ideals, hoping that perhaps if I keep them close to me, huddled little secrets, then they’re more likely to happen. 

But deep down I know that’s wrong.  So I’m just going to lay them all out here for you instead.  What follows are excerpts from my ‘Dream Diary’, and they are very very serious. 

1.  Bella will leave Edward for Jacob

Hold up hold up.  OK quit your judging.  Can I just state for the record that, being an aficionado of crappy teen fiction, I was reading these books way back in 2007, when they were still pretty underground.  I was telling all my nerd teen fantasy friends (Jeremy) “Hey you’ve GOT to read these books, they’re amazing!  They combine warewolves and vampires!! Can you BELIEVE THAT?!”  Then, of course, they got absorbed into the mainstream and next thing I knew everyone from your mum to your man had an opinion on the series.  The final straw was when I saw the premiere of the latest film on the news.  They were interviewing two girls about the books, both of whom were pretty weird and had dressed up like members of the Cullen family.  The interviewer asked hem, in quite a patronising manner, “So are you big fans?”  The girls looked back at him dead eyed and said, “We were reading the books in 2008, even before they made the films”.  The interviewer, stepping back ever so slightly from the girls, replied, “Wow you must win the award for biggest fans ever!”

OH NO YOU DIDN’T

Anyway.  Edward is a lame character with no sense of humour, unlike Jacob he never wears tube socks and cut offs, favouring instead a black leather “rock” wristband and shiny blue shirts, and he’s so boring he wouldn’t even have to bite his victims, he could just bore them to death by repeating one of the three sentences that seem to make up his vocabulary: “I love you more than life”, “No I refuse to jeopardise your honour” and “Not until we’re married”.  Urgh god he’s so awful. 

2. Lady Gaga goes shopping in Tesco Express wearing Ugg boots, jeans and a comfy cardi. 

Preferably buying a chicago town pizza and struggling with the self service check outs.  ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA. 

3.  They make a new TV show called “Saved By The 90210”

This would just be a melange of the two best shows from the 90’s rolled into one big gooey mess.  Zach Morris dating Brenda Walsh!  Mr.Belding getting accused of making inappropriate advances towards Kelly!  A fake laughter track on the scene where Steve Sanders finally lets rip that although he’s rich his life, “isn’t perfect” (guffaw) and actually his dad “doesn’t love him” (snigger) and he’s worried that he’s “got a drinking problem” (gales of laughter).  Can you imagine the rivalry between Donna Martin and Lisa Turtle as they compete for the most ditzy lines, and over indulge in wayward spending of their dad’s money on garish shoulder pad suits?!  Picture that creepy magician guy Max working at the Peach Pit!  He’s so creepy!  All the characters would be played by the same people, so they’d be 40 year olds playing High School kids.  This, for me, is key to the whole enterprise. 

I would also like to see Screech (AKA Dustin Diamond) finally win the opportunity to turn his tell all account, ‘Behind The Bell’ into a film depicting just what happened behind the scenes all those years ago.  For those of you who’ve not read the novel, you can find out all the good stuff by reading this

“I’m not Screech. I’m 100 percent, in every single way, not Screech. I’m cool, I follow no man, and women find me irresistible.”

4.  Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt adopt Jennifer Anniston

Surely that’s the only logical solution to their situation?

5.  Yuck audition for X Factor.

I mean obviously they wouldn’t because A. They’re a credible band with an awesome album out, and B. They’re not mental.  But still, can you imagine the twitter feed?!  How amazing would it be to have them go to the auditions, chat to Cat Deeley (she’s still doing it right?) before going in to perform on that big blue carpet, singing ‘Georgia’ while standing on a big white ‘X’.  Imagine them making it to the final 12, appearing in the opening credits in a dramatic wind tunnel, Jonny’s afro lit from behind as the voiceover man says proudly, “Yuck”.  Picture them talking to camera about what it was like having Celine Dion visiting the house to help them work on their new song for that week.  Imagine if Louis tried to style them like Jedward.  They’d probably win!  

Seriously, I fantasise about these things on a daily basis.  

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