ALRIGHT, GRANDPA! (I don’t know why I wrote that.)  So, it’s time for episode four.  What delights will we dig up this week?  More parental naughty-ness on a wicker coffee table?  Will Jen get to do something other than say, “Dawson I think you’re a great filmmaker” while pushing her boobs together?  Will Joey grimace so much she gets mistaken for an onion?  Will we solve the mystery of the Bodie conspiracy?  And will we finally get to see how Dawson blow dries his hair into those perfect curtains every blinking week?!  Boy’s got skills. 

Newcomers, welcome.  Take a seat, I think there are a few desks at the back.  

Oh look, it’s Dawson in his bedroom watching some footage of Jen ambling across a garden, windswept and beautiful.

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The sad reality of my life is that now I am becoming such an expert in the goings-on of Capeside, I know for a fact that this is the moment Jen arrived on the salty shores of this New England town.  I also know that Dawson was looking on but his camera was on a tripod and the film was NOT rolling, so therefore this is not footage captured by Dawson.  UNLESS this is all seriously meta and they’re implying Dawson knows he’s in a TV show and actually the joke is on us!  So in fact are we the TV show?  Is this real life or are they real life?  Wait, am I in Capeside now?  Who is Capeside?  What was that noise?  Can Joey hear me if I scream really loudly?  Does that mean Tom Cruise is Pacey?  Is Suri Cruise going to grow up on a Creek?  Is Suri Cruise one of the Missing Bodies?  Where does Suri Cruise get her baby high heels?

Okay, okay, okay… Let’s calm down with a screenshot of Joey looking condescending while her really long bits of front-ear-hair flap around on the side of her head.

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Joey picks apart Jen’s future: “In ten years, she’ll be in Connecticut with three neurotically perfect children.” (What’s wrong with Connecticut?!)  Dawson dismisses her with a wave of his VHS tape (DAWSON LIKES FILMS, OKAY?) and moves the conversation onto the topic of what he should get his parents for their wedding anniversary.  Joey’s response, “Separate vacations.”

This is my favourite kind of Joey.  The ’90s stand-up Janeane Garofalo Joey.  Everything she says should be accompanied by some Seinfeld slap bass. “Hey, is this thing on?” *taps microphone*  ”Okay, so, what is it with airplane food?”


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Joey’s response:  ”I think we’ve found the perfect anniversary gift.”  Cue slap bass: twiddly twee wicka wicka bow bicka bow.

In the Icehouse, Dawson and Joey are giggling as they tell Jen and Pacey about their unintentional amateur porn flick. (Somehow, they were completely unable to recognise the back of their best friend’s head.) Pacey seems perturbed, “You have footage of Tamara?”  for which Dawson and Joey mock him as Jen looks on with her boobs:  ”Ooh, did you think she was saving herself for you?”  Dawson is particularly cruel, but I think this is because he doesn’t really understand what sex is because he doesn’t have any genitals and it’s eating him up alive inside, turning him into an empty hateful genital-less shell.  He looks particularly devilish here:

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Pacey asks if he can watch the tape and Joey replies, “Yeah, we’ll get you a private viewing so you can beat off the bishop.” Trust me, that would have KILLED at the Comedy Cellar in 1993.  Especially if Joey was wearing a beret.

Dawson walks Jen home. They hold hands together and swing their arms like a pair of 6-year-olds on their way to the lollipop shop. (That’s a real thing, right?)  Dawson goes to kiss Jen but then Grams’ ol’ sour puss face appears at the window like a medieval portent of doom.  Jen pulls away, explaining that they’re being watched and says goodbye but then two seconds later comes back, saying, “Oh screw it.”  If you have a weak stomach, scroll down past this picture without looking.

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Eww.  Do you think Dawson was looking for his missing genitals in her mouth?

The portent of doom at the window is shocked at this teenage display of lust and tongues, perhaps because kissing was only invented in 1938, when Grams was 72.

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In the kitchen, Grams is waiting for Jen and mistakenly thinking that the world revolves around her. “Jennifer, do you do this just to annoy me?” Okay, I don’t want to focus on Jen’s boobs the whole time, but in this scene it does look like she’s wearing a pointy Madonna bra.  Just saying.

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We get the back story of why Jen is in Capeside and she finally becomes a bit more than a cardboard cut-out.  We find out that something “bad” happened in New York which is why she is “exiled” in “Capeside” and that Grams is “worried” she is “straying down the same path”.  We also discover that Jen thinks Grams is “pedestrian”. Er, what do you expect, Jen?!  She’s a Grandma!  Oh, I’m sooooo sorry that grandparents aren’t fun and exciting here like they are in New York, I’m sooooo sorry Grams doesn’t wear Lycra and do mime and call everybody Gary and wear a pie on her head like they do in the Big Green Apple!!  Jeez, Jen!  Give the lady a break, she’s 473 years old.

In Dawson’s room, Pacey is rifling through Dawson’s stack of VHS tapes (DAWSON LIKES… BLAH BLAH BLAH) when Dawson walks in.  Pacey is beside himself, paying scant regard to Dawson No Genitals’ careful organisation of his many many films, otherwise known as ‘Dawson’s Film Collection AKA The Best Ever AKA I Love Spielberg Woo!’ Pacey takes a seat and explains that the world sees him as “the guy who talks about getting the girl, but who never actually gets the girl”.  In other words, a virgin.  Dawson looks confused and says he doesn’t understand, “I got the girl this time Dawson.  And it was good.” All together now: that’s soooooo Pacey!

Dawson is visibly surprised, here is a screengrab of him looking visibly surprised.

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The next day, Dawson and Joey go shopping for a present for his parents’ wedding anniversary.  This makes me feel like a really bad daughter because I have never done this for my own parents.  Still, even I can look through the guilt and see that this is a pretty dull yarn.  In the folk art shop, obviously, they spy Mrs. Leery helping a dashing man into a suit.  Dawson is suspicious as everyone knows that if you’re having an affair with someone the first thing you do is help them get dressed.

Joey already knows about Mrs. Leery’s affair after catching her baby-talking on the phone.  Everyone knows you only baby-talk on the phone when you’re having an affair.  However, just in case that fact had slipped your mind, we have this pleasing sneer from Ms. Potter to remind us.

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Either that or the man Mrs. Leery is with just did a poo on the floor and Joey is the first one to smell it.

Dawson gets over his suspicions when Mr. Affair says Mrs. Leery has told him about Dawson’s film and he would love to see it.  Dawson’s pride swells.  I would love to see the scene where Dawson shows Mr. Affair AKA Capeside’s HOTTEST news anchor his awesome film about a sea monster that’s filmed on a lake.

Yeah, ‘cos that wouldn’t be awkward.

Joey calls Mr. Affair a tool. *twiddly twee wicka wicka bow bicka bow*

Back at Grams’, Jen is getting a proper telling off. “Jennifer, you know Dawson only wants you for one thing.” Yes, the fact he thinks his genitals have been misplaced in your mouth.  (I’m sorry, I know everytime I say that it gets more disgusting but I think it might actually be true.) There are some seriously weird outfits in this scene.  First up, Grams:

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It looks like she’s got a nightie on over a cardigan.  Why would that happen?  Does she put on the next day’s outfit before she goes to bed to save time in the morning and then cover it up with a nightie because one simply can’t sleep when one is not wearing the proper sleep attire?

Meanwhile, Jen looks like she’s wearing the top half of a fuschia wet suit.

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In the French quarter of Capeside, Ms. Tamara Jacobs is sitting outside une petite café unaware this is une bonne location pour une rendezvous avec Monsieur Pacey.  Merde!

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As part of their playful yet undeniably creepy banter, Ms. Tamara Jacobs and Pacey discuss the reading list for next semester, with Pacey arguing that they need to read sexy novels.  He pulls out a list of examples of books where sex leads to something bad, revealing the hidden intelligence that lies deep within him.  Instead of pushing him to use it, Ms. Tamara Jacobs is her usual faux coy self, batting her eyelashes and trying desperately to blush.

The scene ends with Pacey saying, “Can’t there be one story where two people have sex with each other and everything works out fine?”  He reaches for Ms. Tamara Jacobs’ hand but she pulls away saying, “Do you really think that’s possible?”  Violins begin to play behind them as there is a slow fade to black and I genuinely don’t know why this scene didn’t win an Oscar award.  TV shows can get Oscars right?  Whatever, if you need to take a moment, please do so.

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At Mrs. Leery’s work, Dawson and Jen are in the studio doing re-takes of her final scream in the film.  Don’t want to be a bitch about it, but Jen sucks at screaming.  There ,I said it.

Dawson doesn’t seem to mind, probably because of the super cool headset/microphone combo he gets to wear.

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I like how Dawson’s idea of wooing a girl is either to:

1. Take her to a recording studio to make her scream, giving directions like “more shock less anger”.

2. Make her sit in his own studio (bedroom) watching hours worth of rushes of his debut film, with him staring at her the whole time so she has to feign enjoyment.

3. Taking her out for lunch at the workplace of the girl who is secretly in love with him.

Someone hold me back from this dreamboat!

After some super product placement work by Dawson (this screengrab is blurred, but you can just make out him holding the can really awkwardly to ensure the brand name is always visible)…

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…Dawson and Jen spy this in the corridor.

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Resulting in a slow zoom in to this while some screechy guitar music plays in the background…

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Then there is a wicked montage comprised of these cutaways:

Some flowers + Dawson and Jen sitting on a bench + A really close up shot of Dawson’s face as he tries to cry + A boat gliding through the water (I wonder if this is product placement, too?  If so, good job! *buys yacht on eBay*) + Some rollerbladers in matching khaki hot pants = MISERY.  For everyone.  Everywhere.

Jen gives Dawson a speech about how even though they don’t know each other that well she would really like to be the one person he talks to about this, because she wants to be there for him, because she knows what he’s been going through, and maybe it will make them closer.

Obviously Dawson goes to Joey Janeane Garofalo instead.

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Joey lets slip that she already knew about the affair and Dawson gets really angry.  Joey then says that it’s his fault for not noticing it because he was too obsessed with Jen (‘s boobs).  Or as Joey Janeane Garofalo puts it, “blonde hair, the last stages of a B Cup”  Dawson accuses Joey of “disengaging their friendship”, then he storms off.  I know it’s supposed to be sad and dramatic but he walks with his weight really far forward so it makes his bum stick out and WHY DO HIS CLOTHES HAVE TO BE THAT BAGGY?  I can only conclude that the stylist heard that baggy jeans were “in” so she brought in loads to the set, except Dawson didn’t wear them around his underpants like most normal teenagers because he thinks that’s gauche, so instead he straps them high around his waist with a big belt so it looks like he’s Benjamin Button and is slowly shrinking in front of our eyes.

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Once again, Ms. Tamara Jacobs is sitting in the French quarter of Capeside, this time entertaining another man who isn’t Pacey!  ”Oh oopsie, is the French bit of Capeside right in front of Pacey’s work? Oh no! I hadn’t realised,” she says as she flicks back her big hair.  Poor Pacey.

Meanwhile, Dawson thinks up yet another awesome date for him and Jen!  Sitting in a park watching him waddle around in his baggy clothes while he picks apart his parents’ relationship!!!  In other news, is it wrong that I kind of love Jen’s outfit here?

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Dawson demands that he and Jen keep no secrets from each other because “I firmly believe that secrets destroy.  They wound and hurt and kill.  No secrets between us, ever.” Jen agrees, but then back pedals, “Umm, don’t you think there are certain things people just don’t want to know?” JEN HAS A SECRET SEXY PAST, GUYS.

Jen starts telling Dawson that she had to leave New York because apparently she is a “big city cliché”, staying out late and having sex too young.  Dawson is dismayed, especially when he realises Jen had sex with people who weren’t her boyfriend!!!  Dawson has to hold onto himself to stop from vomiting and he refuses to hold Jen’s hand.  What. A. Baby.

Hey, remember what I said about how when people are having an affair they help each other put on their clothes? DUN DUN DAH

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Pacey sees and confronts Ms. Tamara Jacobs in the classroom.  He claims that she should tell him if she’s sleeping with more than one person because of the high incidence of STDs.  Nice one, Pacey.  Real classy.  Ms. Tamara Jacobs laughs at him and then explains that she has a lot in common with the other guy (Benji).  Things like books and opera and being of legal age, I guess.  Then she reveals that Benji is gay.  Pacey is shocked, “Mr. Gold is GAY?!”

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Jen confronts Dawson in the corridor, asking why he’s been ignoring her and wouldn’t hold hands and swing arms with her on the way to school.  He makes up a lame excuse but Jen is having none of it and storms off, leaving Dawson to mope on his locker in his all-beige outfit with a mouse cursor up his nose.

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Dawson decides to tell his dad (Mr. Man Meat) about his Mom’s affair.  But before he can get the words out, Mrs. Leery walks in and smooches her hubby so he bottles it.  I’m really proud of this screengrab, I think it conveys a lot of emotions and really sums up what is happening here.  It would be perfect for a leaflet about being in love with your Mom or something.

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Jen goes to the Icehouse to get some advice from Joey.  Joey is reticent at first, of course, but soon opens up and switches to ’90s stand-up mode, labeling Dawson a shrimp who is barren sexually (SHE KNOWS ABOUT HIS GENITALS).  However, Jen asks if Dawson is worth it and Joey turns into her lovesick persona, where she says everything out the side of her mouth and can’t make eye contact.  If we were at the Comedy Cellar right now, I would heckle her like nobody’s business.

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Ms. Tamara Jacobs and Pacey have a sleepover; he reads a magazine about sharks while she grades some papers.  He asks her how many serious relationships she’s had and she lists them for him.  At the end, she says, “By the way, the one in High School – I didn’t mean my High School.” Pacey is thrilled to bits and we get a close up of him beaming ecstatically.  I’m sure this is supposed to be funny but all his chubby cherubic face does is remind me he’s a bleeding child.  Not literally bleeding, I hasten to add. Well, I hope not.

Oops, cursor up the nose again.

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Joey finds Dawson sitting under the lake in the moonlight and they make up and talk about an alternate universe where they’ve been married for 50 years.  Literally, get a room, you crazy kids.

The episode ends with Joey saying goodbye and then standing behind Dawson, looking at the back of his head as she murmurs “No doubt about it.  Straight to the Smithsonian.” This might just be a language barrier thing (I live in London) but this makes no sense to me whatsoever.


  1. Abby says:

    Dear Elizabeth, your Creek debriefings are pretty much the funniest thing around. And really – your Man Meat family screen-grab is top-notch. Have you seen the Dawson crying GIF floating about? Because it’s my all-time favourite and I think it would make you happy too, seeing how much you love Director Leery. Thanks for watching for me! You’re supreme.

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