(First published on hellogiggles.com)

Hello and welcome, it is time for episode five of season one of Dawson’s Creek.  I would try and give you a re-cap but we are so far in this mess now that it would be impossible.  However, here are some key points you should know:

1.  Dawson Leery has no genitals

2.  Grams AKA Ol’ Sour Puss is 479 years old. 

3.  Before the long-standing Bodie, there was another Bodie who disappeared after the first episode without a trace.  This is a mystery I’m trying to resolve as we go.  The hashtag for this is #SAVEBODIES.  SPREAD THE WORD PEOPLE. 

4.  Dawson’s dad is known universally as ‘Mr. Man Meat’.  

5.  Joey sometimes acts like a ’90s standup with her wise-cracking quips.  When she does this we call her Janeane Garofalo Joey. 

6.  I love you. There, I said it. 


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Okay, two things:

1. I can’t believe Dawson purchased a black and white photo of The ‘Berg then framed it himself.  I can’t even get round to placing some of the hundreds of photos of my family into the 3 albums I already own.  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry for Dawson.  So I’ll do a combination of both – I’ll caugh.

2.  Hurricane Chris?  Come on.  Nothing against the name Chris but if I was naming a fictional hurricane I’d call it ‘Vinny’ or ‘Anastasia’ or ‘Sir Blowsalot’.

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All around Capeside people are boarding up shops and restaurants as the wind whips around them.  My favourite shot in this montage of hurricane prep has to be this one, where a woman is struggling to get her wheelie suitcase onto the pavement by rolling it up the curb.  Hey, wind or nay, we’ve all been there, am I right or am I right?

Haha, suitcases.

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Dawson is preparing for the hurricane himself, namely by dropping some stripey curtains down round the garage.

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Great!  Good job, Dr. Dork!  Inside Dawson’s house, Mrs. Leery and Mr. Man Meat (AKA Dawson’s pop) are making out and talking about “the appendage between his legs”.  Obviously this upsets Dawson because he knows his mom is secretly having an affair with Capeside’s hottest news anchor and also because he doesn’t have an appendage between his legs.

Mr. Man Meat wanders round to Jen’s to ask if her and Grams want to seek refuge with them.  No doubt they’ll be much safer with the Leerys because Grams hasn’t got any stripy curtains round her garage at all!!!  Dawson uses this alone time with his mom as an opportunity to make her feel guilty about her secret tryst, “Dad is an amazing man.  He’s faithful, almost to a fault,”  he says, staring meaningfully into her eyes, which are hooded by her dry solid fringe.  Mrs. Leery tries to ignore him but she knows he knows.

She knows (he knows).

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FIRST SIGHTING OF DEPUTY DAWG!  Pacey is on the beach with his big bro, helping him knock ‘No Swimming’ signs into the sand.  Pacey is whining that he’s missing The Bold And The Beautiful or something, so his brother calls him a “punk ass”.

What is a punk ass?  Am I a punk ass?  Why ass?  Does that mean someone who dresses straight everywhere apart from their ass, which is covered in Sex Pistols badges and ripped denim?  Can you be a punk-except- ass and be a punk everywhere but your ass?  I need answers.

Pacey is, of course, using his “you’re a repressed homosexual” speech on Doug, which never really worked for me.  Especially because, NEWFLASH: Doug is actually gay.  It always seemed like an afterthought that they made Doug gay, so it makes these bits kind of weird.  Or maybe they’re just implying that Pacey was actually super intuitive.  Or maybe it’s just that he’s a punk ass.

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Pacey wanders along the beach to Ms. Tamara Jacob’s house.  He spots her pulling her potted plants into the house and sidles up next to her all, “Heeeeeyyyy Tammy”.  She looks horribly uncomfortable – maybe she’s JUST realised he’s a teenage boy. Phew, FINALLY.  Oh no, it’s not that, it’s that Doug is “securing up the rest of the house”.  Now, where did I put that stripy curtain… Doug flirts outrageously with Ms. Tamara Jacobs, much to Pacey’s chagrin.  Here is a photo of Pacey’s chagrin:

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Ol’ Sour Puss Grams and Jen arrive at the Leerys’, with Grams huffing about, “I’ve weathered more storms in my time than I can count.”  Yes, she was probably alive when storms were invented back in 1294.  Google it.  Jen, however, is thrilled to be spending more time with Dawson in such a dangerous and therefore romantic situation.  When I say “thrilled”, I mean she looks super awkward all the time and keeps saying things like “Hey, stranger” and “Sooooo, what’s cookin’?”  Dawson meanwhile is being very cold with her, explaining that he can’t kiss her because of the big to do list in his head.  Kill me now.

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Also over at the Leerys’ are Joey, her sister and Brand New Bodie.  Hey, maybe with all this wind and rain ripping through Capeside, the hurricane will uncover some of the missing Bodies!  #SAVEBODIES Grams is really rude to Brand New Bodie and Joey’s sister.  It appears it’s because she’s a horrible racist, but I think it’s that she knows something about the Bodie conspiracy.  #SAVEBODIES

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Dawson catches Mrs. Leery sitting on the steps conducting a secret phone call to her secret lover-lover.  She makes kissing noises at the end.  Unbeknownst to her, Dawson is standing behind her the whole time and when she finishes the call and turns round to see him, he tells her she should stitch a red ‘A’ to her dress.  I get the reference, but it’s all so longwinded.  Why doesn’t he just say, “Hey.  Mom.  Stop boning Bob the anchorman”?  Instead, he prefers to dance around the subject with literary references.  When someone dies, does he quote from Lear and dress up as the undertaker from Oliver Twist?  ’Ello darlin’ have you heard abaat my loss?!  AND NO YOU CAN’T HAVE ANYMORE OF ME PORRIDGE.

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Dawson stomps off to his room where Jen is sitting amongst his paintbrushes ( I know?!)  She tries to explain to him that affairs are generally not to do with sex and that maybe he should try and see it from his mom’s point of view.  Dawson uses this as an excuse to say that because Jen has had sex with boys, some of whom weren’t her boyfriend, she is a big old tramp like his mom.  He says the whole thing with his eyes closed though, which makes me think maybe he’s trying to picture Jen with strangers.  Eww.

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Obviously Joey is waiting and eavesdropping in Dawson’s wardrobe, which is pretty odd in itself, but I was more struck by the many limbs adorning Dawson’s dresser.  Are these the missing Bodie parts?! #SAVEBODIES Also, he STILL has his eyes closed.   Joey doesn’t get anywhere with trying to convince Dawson that his mom’s affair isn’t the worst thing in the world, so then she does it, she pulls out the, “Well, at least you still have a mom” card.  That actually made me scream – she always, always ALWAYS brings that up when her sassy schtick doesn’t work.   WE GET IT.  YOUR MOM DIED AND IT’S REALLY REALLY SAD.  Bring back Janeane Garofalo Joey!  Everyone: Bring back Janeane Garofalo Joey! Bring back Janeane Garofalo Joey!  #BringbackJaneaneGarofaloJoey!

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Over at Ms. Tamara Jacobs’, Pacey’s chagrin is doing battle with Deputy Doug’s arrogance.  They fight for the hand of the woman they both love (kind of) by battling over who should remove the flowers from the dining room table so they can eat their sandwiches.  Doug looks particularly evil here:

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Doug goes outside to check on the storm which gives Pacey Punk Ass the opportunity to tell Ms. Tamara Jacobs that his brother is gay.  He then tries to smooch her, but she resists stating that since it’s a felony she doesn’t think they should be doing it around Doug.   However eventually (after 3 seconds) she cracks and they fall onto the floor with the filling of the sandwiches all over her tummy.  Looks like they were having ham, mustard and ketchup rolls.  Mmm, yummy.  Doug walks in on them… UH OH.

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Back at the Leerys’, Mr. Man Meat is just adding the finishing touches to his model restaurant called ‘Kelp’ (I know?!)

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Forget Kelp, this man needs serious help!!!!! (Sorry.)   Dawson comes into the room at the same time as Mrs. Leery.  I like how throughout this episode everyone has been treating Mr. Man Meat as though he’s a little kid, with Mrs. Leery sitting on the steps, loudly and with scant disregard of her husband’s closeness, making kissy noises down the phone and both Joey and Dawson hinting very unsubtly about Mrs. Leery’s affair in front of Mr. Man Meat.  Now, the finishing touch, they come to confront him as he sits on the floor cross-legged playing with his model restaurant.  I mean, just look at that little face!  He has no idea;

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Let’s watch the magic unfold… Okay, turns out it wasn’t that magical.  Although Mrs. Leery did count how many days she’d been having the affair (62).  Does she have a little diary with “Affair” scrawled on the front in red lipstick?  Does she write in it, “Great affair day today!  Really feel on top of things, and by things, I mean Bob hahahahaah”?  Does she note down how long their affair sex lasted? “Only 32 seconds today and Bob kept on his windbreaker, but hey – nobody’s perfect!”?  How far does this go?  Does she make affair mixtapes?  Does she have a range of affair make-up coming out?  Is she writing an affair book?  God I would totally read her book.  Anyway, she tells him and you can actually see his life crumbling to pieces in his eyes.  It’s pretty cool.

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Although he might just have glued his hands to the doors of his model restaurant and is trying to work out how to free them.  WE JUST DON’T KNOW.

They end the scene with really dramatic thunder and lightning.  It’s really dramatic.

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Love how it illuminates his little model restaurant.

The lights all go out and Mr. Man Meat starts freaking out about where he’s put the batteries for the torch.  But we all know what he’s really freaking out about – the fact his son has no genitals.  No, sorry, the fact his wife is cheating.  He smashes his Kelp restaurant to the floor and all the little tables go flying.  It’s super dooper tragic.  Mrs. Leery starts crying and he shines the torch in her face and yells “DON’T YOU CRY”.  It’s a powerhouse performance.

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Scootching back over to Ms. Tamara Jacobs’, Doug is playing a getting to know you game with Pacey’s secret woman.  It’s called the “what if” game: “You ask a series of questions like ‘What if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life?’” REALLY?  THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO?  Get me something to bite down on.

(By the way, the whole way through this episode, Joey’s sister and Brand New Bodie have been arguing about whether or not circumcision is a good idea.  I would have told you about it but I can’t stay awake long enough to follow what it is they’re saying.)

Jen and Joey are sitting on the porch and I think Jen is smoking (I know?!), which must be their quick way of trying to make her character more interesting.  Joey says she’s “just looking at Mr. Leery” when Jen asks what she’s doing.  I don’t know why, but this shot straight after of Mr. Man Meat’s arm in his car really made me laugh.

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Joey’s sitting outside in the rain to watch that?!

Somehow they get onto the topic of the size of Dawson’s what what. “Do you think it’s a pistol or a rifle?” asks Jen. “He’s probably got a measuring tape in the bathroom,” scoffs Joey.  Oh, how little they know. (For newcomers – Dawson has no genitals.)  Joey then makes this face:

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If you look up “simper” in the dictionary, this is what you get.

Grams takes Dawson to one side and tells him loads of cliches about rain and rainbows and needing umbrellas, blah blah blah.  While at Ms. Tamara Jacobs’ house Doug asks out the object of Pacey’s affection.  Ms. Tamara Jacobs agrees, but says, “Well, it won’t be a real date.” “Why?” asks Doug as Pacey starts to smirk, “Well, because I know.  I know that you’re gay”.  Doug gets angry with Pacey, “Did he say something to you?” but Ms. Tamara Jacobs demures, “No!  I guessed it myself.  I used to live on Christopher Street in New York. (Is that a thing?) I have good gaydar.” Pacey is overcome, “She just has good gaydar”.  Then this happens:

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HE’S PULLING A GUN ON HIS BROTHER?!   REALLY?!  Doug not only has questionable flirting techniques, he also pulls his gun on members of his own family.  Now I don’t want to point any fingers, at least not until the FBI are involved, but Doug is shaping up to be a pretty likely suspect in the whole missing Bodies case.

Back in the Leery car, Mr. Man Meat has a weird nose:

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And Mrs. Leery has got awfully wet from a quick run through the rain:

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Mr. Man Meat begins a monologue which can be broken down into this –

1. I was introduced to you by a woman with “a soap opera name, Phoebe”.

2. From that moment I decided to love you, because love is a decision. (Is it?!)

3. Our love has weathered the storm. (And they’re IN a storm!)

4. But now I’ve decided to hate you instead.

Then he drives off.  Eek and they have loads of people round for the storm… soooooo awkward!

The next day dawns and it turns out the hurricane has moved on and not done that much damage.  I love love LOVE the fact that someone in Capeside took the time to spray-paint this wooden shutter. They must have had to work really hard to let the paint dry without getting ruined in the rain and also, do they think the hurricane is able to read?  Wait, maybe it can!  Maybe this is why it has moved on!  Clever.

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Jen makes an emotional speech to Dawson where she explains that she was “sexualised at an early age”.  Dawson apologises and Jen flares her nostrils at him and whimpers, “Sex doesn’t equal happiness.”  (Especially not with someone who has no genitals).

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Dawson says, “Will you still have me?  My behaviour has been unredeemable,” while flaring his nostrils.

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Back at the beach, Pacey and Ms. Tamara Jacobs talk for the 4 millionth time about how their relationship is getting too dangerous and they’ll have to stop it soon.  ”Tell me that isn’t a turn on,” grins Pacey.  All together now: That’s soooooooo Pacey!

At Dawson’s house, Mrs. Leery appears to have become at one with nature because she’s been sitting on the porch since Mr. Man Meat drove off.  She is now a part of the storm, in fact she IS the storm.

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Or she’s completely insane.

She explains that she only had the affair because her life was so perfect and she had everything she wanted.  Totally.  Upstairs in Dawson’s room, Joey is looking forlornly out the window.  Dawson apologises using a speech from a Jane Austen novel  (the word belligerent features heavily) and Joey apologises for “using the mother card”.  She actually uses those words.  I think I might be becoming a bit too much of an expert on these characters.  Then they both get into Dawson’s wardrobe and quote from ‘Jaws’.  STARTS WITH SPIELBERG, ENDS WITH SPIELBERG – DAWSON LIKES FILMS, OKAY?!



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